MOVIES THAT SUCK: “The Canyons.” / “I Spit on Your Grave” (1978, Roku) and the 2010 remake.

“The Canyons” (2013, Sundance Now) erotic thriller-drama film directed by Paul Schrader and written by Bret Easton Ellis. Set in Los Angeles, the movie follows a wealthy young man who produces low-budget horror films. Mr Schrader is supposedly good as a writer (“Taxi Driver,” “Raging Bull”) and then as director (2017’s “First Reformed.” And you know Mr Ellis for his bestsellers “Less than Zero” (1985) and “American Psycho” (1991), both turned into movies, starring Robert Downey Jr. and Christian Bale, respectively. 

       But this movie, topbilled by a wasted Lindsay Lohan and a porn actor James Deen who couldn’t act, is a tedious exercise in cinematic futility. Some critics praised Ms Lohan’s acting. Really? 

       Plot: The discovery of an illicit love affair leads two young Los Angelenos on a violent, sexually charged tour through the dark side of human nature. Uh huh. 🎭👎🎬

“I Spit on Your Grave” (1978, Roku) and the 2010 remake. Jennifer is a fiction writer based in New York City who exacts revenge on her four tormentors who gang rape and leave her for dead.

       The original, written and directed by Meir Zarchi, is noted for its controversial depiction of extreme graphic violence, particularly the lengthy depictions of gang rape, that take up 30 minutes of its runtime. (Though the Roku showing was massively edited.) 

       The 2010 remake, directed by Steven R. Monroe and written by Stuart Morse, is no different. I don't know if this is more violent and revolting since I missed the bloodbath and violation in the original. 

       There are more “Spit” movies: 2013's “I Spit on Your Grave 2,” 2015's “I Spit on Your Grave III: Vengeance Is Mine,” and 2019's “I Spit on Your Grave: Deja Vu.” Go watch at your own risk. 🎥💻📽

“The Alto Knights.” / “The Irish Mob.”

“The Alto Knights” (2025, Max) biographical crime drama. Story: In a failed assassination attempt orchestrated by his ambitious underboss, Vito Genovese, Luciano family boss Frank Costello finds himself at a crossroads. Robert De Niro both portrays Mr Genevese and Mr Costello, which can be confusing a bit because both speak like De Niro and both talk like Mafia bosses. As is though, this is not a bad movie although nothing is really new here. But a tired retelling of what we already knew or watched in so many mob cinema tropes. 

       Plot: In a failed assassination attempt orchestrated by his ambitious underboss, Vito Genovese, Luciano family boss Frank Costello finds himself at a crossroads. Weary of the constant bloodshed and betrayals that define his life, Costello informs Genovese of his intention to retire and cede control of the Luciano family. However, Vito, a man consumed by ambition and paranoia, refuses to believe Costello's intentions, suspecting a ruse. The poisoned well of distrust between them spills over, igniting a silent, deadly war.

       Directed by A-1 director Barry Lee Levinson and written by A-1 writer Nicholas Pileggi, “Alto…” is a minor winner. But this is not Mr Levinson of “Good Morning, Vietnam” (1987), “Rain Man” (1988), “Good Morning, Vietnam” (1987), “Bugsy” (1991), and “Wag the Dog” (1997). And not close to Mr Pileggi’s “Goodfellas” (1990). Like the movie Barry and Nicholas are tired tropes of their past brilliance. Mr De Niro? He’s always De Niro, you know what I mean?  

       And yes, of course, this is a Mafia movie so we get a flood of “f” words. Obligatory. 🎥💻📽

“The Irish Mob” (2023, Amazon Prime) mob crime drama. This movie tells the story of crime boss Val Fagan and the dark world of gangland Dublin. He leads a violent, bloody and ruthless gang who are the main target of Garda detectives after an audacious cash depot robbery.

       Directed and written by Patrick McKnight, with Rob McCarthy playing Val, this little movie is basically a revisit of Irish mob fare. Dirty language, brutal violence, from-behind sex. Nothing much. 🎥💻📽